I love my name...

HowManyOfMe.com

There are 1 or fewer people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

3's & 8's

3 Joys:

1. Derek's laugh
2. Avril's exuberance
3. Xandri's sass


3 Fears:

1. Anything bad happening to my family
2. Sharks and other underwater threats
3. Pigs


3 Obsessions:

1. Chocolate (Oh-so-typical, but oh-so-true!)
2. Editing- this can be anything from grammar and mechanics in written language to artistic design of various ads. I edit things in my head if I think they could be better.
3. Pregnancy weight gain. Sad, but true.


3 Surprising Facts:

1. I consider my husband's ex to be one of my very best friends. (Apparently, he has good taste.)
2. I like to cook.
3. Even more surprising, I'm kind of good at it.


8 Things I'm Passionate About (in no particular order):

1. Theology- particularly my own religious beliefs. I should probably lump in all logic, truth and philosophy here if we're going to be fair.
2. My family-- any perceived threat will be met with a rather fierce Mama Bear response.
3. Politics- this relates closely to number one, particularly as philosophy applies.
4. Graphic design-- or any other related art. I've only recently discovered this passion, otherwise I would've majored in it!
5. Edward ;)
6. My health/fitness, as well as that of my family.
7. Creating in general.
8. The works of C.S. Lewis.


8 Words or Phrases I Say Often:

1. We don't shout.
2. Come back here.
3. Shut. Up.
4. What the hell?!
5. Ehhhxcellent... (over tented fingers)
6. Seriously?
7. Calm down and stop freaking out!
8. Apologize to your sister.


8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die:

1. Get my masters.
2. Publish a book.
3. Live in a foreign country.
4. Learn 3 languages fluently.
5. Ride an elephant/camel.
6. Travel the world (I'm sorry, I can't narrow this down...)
7. Safari.
8. Be the subject of a professional photo shoot (mermaid pics anyone? ;) )


8 Things I Pray For:

1. That Avril will dream about princesses and not monsters.
2. That I can have the strength and wisdom to be the mom my girls deserve. This includes my continual prayer for guidance as a parent.
3. That I can have the strength and wisdom to be the wife my husband deserves.
4. That I'll get over this cold soon.
5. My siblings and my parents.
6. The ability to forgive and understand.
7. Sanity.
8. To know what's important and to be able to do it.


8 Things I've Learned:

1. My timeline is not necessarily God's timeline.
2. That the basics: prayer, scripture study, church attendance- are basics for a reason. They are our best protection against ourselves- the natural man.
3. That none of us is in any position to judge another.
4. That too many of us still do.
5. That change is a process that can take a lifetime- and requires the Atonement.
6. That the best way to live my life is to remember what is important and what is urgent- and keep them in perspective.
7. That I've never had a challenge in my life that compares even remotely with mothering.
8. That we are as people- and even children- remarkably resilient- and yet still so fragile.


8 People I Tag:

1. Melody
2. Tara
3. Breta
4. Pattie
5. Debbie
6. Jaime
7. Brenda
8. Ruth
9. Anyone else who wants to do it!

A New Leaf

So I'm wondering if I'm being inordinately selfish in trying so hard to hold onto so much of "me". In chasing all of my hobbies and interests and projects, I feel like I'm "jack-of-all-trading" my children for my insane need to hold onto what I am.

I think some of this has to do with when I discovered "me". Getting married at 18 was great and I in no way regret it. In the eternal scheme of things, that happened at the right time. However, I have yet to become an eternal being-- meaning my temporal self missed out on some temporal development. Or something like that. What I'm trying to say is that right at the time when most people are still seeking their identities, settling into who they are (this sounds so vague and psychological), I got married and somehow my identity got wrapped up in D's. My friends were replaced by his friends and their wives. My hobbies centered around his.

I look at some of my friends now, Melody, Debbie, Emily, Ruth, Betsy... among many others... and I see all their amazing accomplishments. They have or have had successful careers. They've done something, made their mark in the world. And now, after they've developed this essential part of themselves, they are ready to take on that most important role of motherhood. I'm so intimidated by people who've had or have real jobs! I mean, c'mon, I've worked. But a job isn't the same as a career. I've never had a salary. I've never created or developed or managed something bigger than myself. (Well, aside from the obvious, but we're talking outside of motherhood here.) These are people who are real adults, not just popping out babies and flying by the seat of their pants. These are people who approach motherhood as the next big accomplishment in their lives, who see this whole role for what it is and see that it is the "time and season" to fulfill this calling.

Me? Yeah, I get it. On a theoretical level. But when it comes to being that mother myself, I confess I feel... well, unprepared. I don't feel like I'm even in the same league with these people. They approach motherhood with purpose and intent. And though I have joy in my children, it's almost as if I'm being dragged along for the ride. I try, I really do. Just not hard enough. I know what's in me and I know how that stacks against what I'm doing. And I fall sadly short.

Now, I'm not writing this so I get a whole bunch of "What are you talking about? You're a great mother!" comments. I'm not fishing for any pick-me-ups or compliments on my abilities. In fact, they make me feel worse, because then I feel like a fraud. Because, yay, so I look like a great mom to everyone else, but what do my children feel? How is my parenting reflected in them? Frankly, I think that I started out strong, but now I'm floundering. I am flying by the seat of my pants. And here we are back at the beginning-- why am I floundering in this, my most important of roles? Because I'm chasing after this unknown, lost "me". I'm spending so much time and energy trying to develop new talents or start new projects or even perfect old ones that I'm losing sight of what matters.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with hobbies or whatever. Those same women I named? Each of them in their own way has a defined sense of self. Each of them incorporates their hobbies and talents into their new, family-oriented way of life. The difference is that they already developed these talents, these passions. Those aren't the focus at the present. They're fillers. The focus, for each of them, is their families. They use their talents to build and celebrate their families. I run from thing to thing, trying something new here, hoping that maybe I can make a buck off of it, or at least create something cool out of it. And all I have to show for it is a lot of half-assed effort and tired and cranky tantrum-throwing kids.

So the new leaf? Reprioritizing. Like it or not (for the record, I do like it), I am a mother and I have children. Those children have needs and those needs supersede mine for the moment. Yes, I think that every woman needs time to recharge, to refill her tank. I believe in those selfish moments. But they should be moments, not the make-up of her existence. I think I've been trying so hard to avoid the pitfalls that so many women hit, that I don't realize that they don't really apply to me. I'm not one of these people who runs all day and gives and gives and gives. I run all day, but my existence is very me-centered. So I'm taking a hiatus. I'll keep a project or two on the table, but my days are going to be made up of mothering, not hobbying or even householding. Those things can fill in the cracks. I can learn and develop those in my off-time.

We'll see how long this lasts.

The New Look

"Why not continue with the 'metamorphosis' theme with a new, updated look?" she thought to herself, "What better way to start anew than to be excited with a fresh project?"

Metamorphosis

I think it's time.

Although this is a side of me that I've enjoyed expressing here, I've found that I've expressed all I need to, at least for the present time as far as the fantastical and the curious go. And so this blog has grown stagnant. I've limited myself by reserving it for all things magical. So, perhaps to the disappointment of my more "magical" readers, this blog will be not... changing, per say, but rather adding other, new dimensions of me. Presuming, of course, that you're as interested in me as I might like to think (granted I'm assuming I have maybe three readers that have likely lost interest simply due to my own inactivity), this blog will incorporate more of my thoughts and personality.

Part of this change is a result of D's new interest in contributing to our family blog- it seems there needs to be a separation of sorts that wasn't necessary before. So welcome to the fuller version of my personality!

Google Tag

So this was a fantastically interesting waste of time. I loved it. I got the idea from my friend Emily, I found hers fascinating!
I found that it was more difficult for me to decide on an answer to the question than it was to do anything else, including upload the pics and arrange them. (I mean, really, how many people can honestly say that they have ONE favorite food?! I can give you a favorite dessert, or a favorite appetizer, or a favorite entree, but past that...?)

Anyway, here's the deal: if it looks even remotely fun for you, that = Me tagging You. Do it on your blog and let me know in a comment so I can check it out!

the rules:
For each question, look up the answer in a Google Image search. Then choose your favorite from the first page of results only. It's fun to play with the possibilities for answers- some of which are very cryptic...

Here are mine:


My Age:





A Place I'd Like to Travel To:

My Favorite Place:

My Favorite Object:





My Favorite Food:



My Favorite Animal:



My Favorite Color:



The Town Where I Was Born:



The Town Where I Live:

(well, this week anyway)

(here's where I'll live next week)


A Past Pet:



A Past Love:



My Best Friend's Nickname:



My Screen Name:



One of My Bad Habits:




My First Job:



My Grandmother's First Name:



My College Degree:



What I'm Doing Right Now: