Friday, July 27, 2007

Old Friends and New...

As I sat here going through my old photos, choosing which ones would go into my slide show, I almost cried. I miss my faery friends so much! It's taken me quite a while to get there, but it's quite painful that they are not within an easy distance. Candice and Crystal are quite honestly two of my best friends in the world. They are so fun to be with and talk to and they're just so easy to like. I feel like they really are sisters to me. I don't necessarily know that the feeling is reciprocated as strongly, but it doesn't really matter since we get along so well! I just know that there are few inhibitions left between us... I don't feel as if I need to keep any of my normal disguise up with them, but that I can freely be myself, no matter how dorky, silly or deadly serious that might be at the time.

It hasn't been too bad up until now. I've made some great friends since being in Missouri. Some wonderful acquaintances, but also some really great friends. Unfortunately, two of the best were also in the year ahead of us. Which means they've just moved as well! I miss Brenda and Melody so much. We were nearing the same level of friendship I have with Candice and Crystal, but there simply wasn't enough time together! I by no means view either relationship as over, but there is something to be said for proximity in developing a friendship. I hope that we have the chance to live near one another again-- at least near enough to reasonably visit!

I have a number of other amazing, dear friends as well:

Eleena, who is in southeast Idaho, was my next-door neighbor growing up and I really do feel like we could be sisters. She makes fun of me, I make fun of her, but at the end of the day I love that girl. I love the feel of fitting in so well with her and her family. She is such an amazing, talented, fun and funny girl. Like me, she tends to shield her more serious side with a humorous front. I think that's why we get along well-- we don't take ourselves or each other too seriously and we call each other on our crap. But we don't miss out on depth, either.

Elisa, who is in southeast Idaho as well, has been my best friend since sixth grade and we went through the most trying times of growing up together. We shared so many things together (including a little bit of skinny-dipping...) and though time and circumstances have changed our relationship, I know I will always have another sister in her. I am so impressed with her strength in the face of such incredible challenges that accompany raising a disabled child. I respect her so much and admire the incredible woman she has become.

Camas, who is in the Big Apple, is my cousin. Because of family feuds, we never really knew each other until we were both attending BYU. We took a cooking class together and have been pretty much best friends ever since. I can whine to her as much as I need, to my heart's content and she'll listen and call my whining what I do: venting. Sometimes I think I live vicariously through some of her amazing experiences, her travels, her work... she is such an amazing girl. I admire her so much and she always finds the time and money to come to wherever I live and visit me... even for just three days.

Natalie, who is in Arizona, was such a great, fun friend in our last year or so of college. We share the same interests in many respects, and I seem to live vicariously through many of her experiences as well; at least, I get a kick out of them. Of course, up until now (she just got engaged) I haven't really envied her dating life, but at the same time I look back and wonder how differently my life might have gone if I'd waited longer to marry. No regrets, just curiosity. She's so fun to talk to, and I love that she calls me all the time whenever she's going somewhere just to chat and update on all the things that are going on in our lives.

Breta, my sister in flesh as well as in spirit is another amazing girl. We really did grow up together, we shared everything (including a bed until I was in high school. High school!) and we fought like cats when we were younger and took care of each other as we grew older. We feel the burden together of keeping our family together, of making sure our siblings are coping well with the divorce. I feel the burden-- but she does something about it. Of course, again proximity (she's in Idaho with our family) has a large role to play in that. But quite honestly, even if I were there I know I couldn't do half the job she's doing. I'm so grateful she has a wonderful husband to support her.

Have you noticed a commonality between all my dearest friends? Yes, that's right. None of them lives closer than twelve hours in driving time from me (I love you, Mel! You're closest!). So here I am, feeling alone in the 'Ville amongst a number of great women in my church and in the SAA. Ironic, I know. I think I've finally really gotten to the point where I'm hating making new friends, only to leave them behind. Acquaintances are much easier to abandon. You love them while they're here and leave them with a hug, sparing a thought for them every so often, but still sustained by your closest friends. When you leave your sisters behind, the relationship always continues, but the continuation almost makes it all the more painful. Much more worth it, but so painful. It's taken me several years to have a good dose of homesickness, I usually adapt quite well to my surroundings. A good thing since we've moved at least eight times since we married five years ago. And now it hits me. And it's hitting hard. I love you all and I miss you so much.

Finally... the Summer Sprites!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

My Favorite Mythical Creatures

Faeries (of course)




Sunday, July 15, 2007

Nadiera, the Blood Elf Hunter and Onyx

Shiny Things I Like

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

There is a Land called Passive Aggressiva, and I am it's Queen.

Here I am, again saddled with a pesky tension headache. Actually, it's more like a knot in the pit of my stomach and an unrelenting need to bury my head in the sand. This headache, however, is not due to an offense received, but one given. It seems I was far too hasty in my judgment and consequent offense regarding our latest faery pictures. I judged hastily and harshly on inaccurate information and was then far too public with my harshness. Thus I find it only fair that I clear the name (though she was not named) of the one offended and just as publicly ask her forgiveness. Again, I think it only fair that if I am to pass a harsh, hasty and unfair judgment on someone, that I am doubly harsh and honest in my judgment of my own actions.

As it turns out, our photographer was not, in fact, uncomfortable with the idea of faery pictures attached to her name because of their "mythical nature", but rather because the faery attire had been called into question. She had heard that our costumes might be rather risque, or at least more immodest than she was comfortable with. However, good friend that she was, she chose not to pass judgment on our costume choices, but to go ahead and provide us with her talents and services nonetheless. In all fairness, she was more than justified in having reservations concerning the appropriateness of the costumes. It is unfortunate that she didn't bring that up to me personally and find out what we intended to wear (which, correct me if I'm wrong, but I still find our costumes to be less than slutty. I don't know where she stands having seen the costumes, but that is beside the point.), but my responsibility as a good friend was to confront her personally and tactfully and discuss with her, before the fact, what potential issues there might have been.

In fact, there are many things I could have and should have done (or not done). I can picture my husband's "I-told-you-so" face right now, and he's absolutely right. Since I heard the alleged mockeries through the grapevine, I did not indeed know what I was being mocked for; or even if I was really being mocked. I made my assumptions based on the past and drew the worst conclusions. I took offense where none was meant and made myself out for the fool that I am. I did not go to the potentially offending person and ask for an explanation and deal with it in the appropriate way. Even as I sit here, I cast my mind about looking for someone or something else to pin blame on: my parents for my poor social skills; other friends for their lack of confrontational skills; my parents' divorce; I even considered the fact that my husband is gone and I'm not in my right mind... until I realized that at the time of the post he was here, advising me to talk to my (dare I still call her this?) friend.

But really it comes down to two pivotal points in which I made poor decisions: the first was in failing to confront my friend and deal with the small problem at its head. The second was in airing my grievances in a public blog and basing them on inaccurate information. So now, instead of a bright and shiny blog based on the bright and shiny faery side of me, I have at my hands a dark and twisty blog, focused on such an ugly thing that started out so insignificantly, and that has damaged at least one (and possibly more) relationships. I hope not irreparably, but I have no reason to expect her to forgive me. With what I now know, I instead hold my friend in higher regard and have more respect for her: not only did she refrain from passing judgment on me to begin with, but she also was not the coward that I was when it came to honest confrontation. I don't expect to regain her friendship or her respect any time soon. I hope that she can forgive me my indiscretion and that in some small way this post among other things can redress the wrongs I did her.

Meanwhile... does anyone know a good therapist? It seems I need a better place to air my dark and twisty nature. (And yes... allusions to Grey's Anatomy are rampant in this post. It worked for it.)

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Slideshow ... Oops...

So I decided to change my slideshow slightly for the sidebar. I intended to leave the blogged one in color, but hadn't banked on the fact that the embedded slideshow is not the pictures themselves, but the link of the slideshow on This means that both are changed in the same ways. Convenient, yes? Except when I don't want that change on both!

So... I'm asking my reader(s?): should I keep it as is, or should I maybe switch the format/theme of Winter and Spring slideshows? It seems that would keep it closer to the style and match the time of year better. So unless I hear differently, I think I'll switch it. But I want feedback first. Please?

Faery Muse. Ings.

So I was rereading my last post written in frustration. I noticed a couple inconsistencies: in frustration and anger I decided to
"guard even more closely the exuberant personality that I have."

Immediately after saying that, I wrote
"I guarded my personality for the first 18 years of my life. I'm done with that."

Ok, honestly I really wasn't thinking straight here. That just doesn't make sense. Hence my emergence from my self-imposed exile.

So, I figure I'll do a little edit here, as well. This time, I'm going to try to think it through a little better:

"If people can't handle it, if it's too embarrassing for them, if I make myself the butt of secret jokes and behind-my-back judgments, then that part of me will be shut up from the casual observer."

This gets to be changed to:
"If people can't handle it, if it's too embarrassing for them, if I make myself the butt of secret jokes and behind-my-back judgments-- well, that's just their problem, not mine. This is where I once again learn to employ a handy little method that saves me a lot of tension headaches from stupid offenses that were most likely unintentional anyhow. Essentially, if I don't hear it myself, it hasn't been said. Now I don't have to deal with their indiscretions and faulty judgments, I don't have to try and give them the "benefit of the doubt". Instead, I get to continue on my Blissful Little Faery Path through the Woods of Ignorance and get to bury my head in the bushes looking for the things I really care about. Faeries. And other things. Like berries."

Aside: You know what sounds amazing right now? Huckleberries. For those of you poor fools who've never had a huckleberry, get on the next plane to Pocatello, ID, head out to Soda Springs and hunt down a good huckleberry patch. Don't ask the locals. They'll probably send you on a wild goose chase to keep you away from their Special Huckleberry Patch. If nothing else, find a place somewhere in southeastern Idaho that serves a huckleberry milkshake. You'll never be the same. End of Aside.