Monday, August 20, 2007


Sirens, naga, merfolk... whatever name they are called, I've always been fascinated. And now, my lovely faery sisters, Candice and Crystal, are planning a mermaid shoot next summer! Can I just say how freaking excited I am about this?! I am honestly ready to go out and practice breathing under water. Or rather, holding my breath without straining under water! How cool would mermaid pictures be?! I have NO IDEA what I'll do about a costume. None. I expect to receive some guidance from my magical friends, though. Supposedly there's a site online that sells cool mermaid tails, so I'll definitely be checking that out and saving my little dollars up!

All I can say is, Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Monday, August 6, 2007

Looking Forward

Since I tend to undulate in my posts, swinging back and forth from one end of the spectrum to the other, I suppose I will swing forward here.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I do have a number of amazing women at my fingertips with whom I can, if I allow myself, form more wonderful relationships. Just in time to leave behind once again in a year. But if yoga has taught me anything, it is the importance of living in the present. If I'm always living in the past, life moves on without me. And if I'm always looking to the future, I'm running so fast to catch it that I pass my real life right by.

So the number of amazing women out here really is astounding. They're at my church, they're at SAA, they're in my neighborhood, they're at Fitness Fusion...(I couldn't help putting in a plug here!) I've known several this past year as merely casual acquaintances and I hope that I can form a little closer of bonds with some of them. There are also several new women moving in with their spouses for med school that I would love to get to know, as well as some great girls I've met from the university. Looking to the future, I look forward to these new relationships.

And finally, back to living in the present, I want to express my gratitude for yet another wonderful friend. All my "sisters" have moved to other places... but one other dear friend, nearing the "sister" level is right here in little ole Kirksville. I only just got to know Tara recently, this summer while Derek was gone. We've formed a wonderful bond and her girls and my girls love playing together... I won't lie and say they get along extremely well, but they love each other! As for Tara and I, we do get along very well and I'm so glad I've had the opportunity to get to know her. I think we'll do much to keep each other sane this year! So thank you, Tara, for being such an amazing woman, mother and friend and an inspiration to me. Thanks for your wonderful influence on me.

Friday, August 3, 2007

A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning

I keep looking at all my gorgeous friends and hating my life. So I wanted to post one of my favorite poems. Even though it's referring to lovers separated by death (slightly more dramatic than my present situation), I think it applies on some level. Plus, it's a pretty magical, ethereal poem if you ask me.

AS virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say,
"Now his breath goes," and some say, "No."

So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move ;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.

Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears ;
Men reckon what it did, and meant ;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.

Dull sublunary lovers' love
—Whose soul is sense—cannot admit
Of absence, 'cause it doth remove
The thing which elemented it.

But we by a love so much refined,
That ourselves know not what it is,
Inter-assurèd of the mind,
Care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.

Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion,
Like gold to aery thinness beat.

If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two ;
Thy soul, the fix'd foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.

And though it in the centre sit,
Yet, when the other far doth roam,
It leans, and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.

Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run ;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

~John Donne

Friday, July 27, 2007

Old Friends and New...

As I sat here going through my old photos, choosing which ones would go into my slide show, I almost cried. I miss my faery friends so much! It's taken me quite a while to get there, but it's quite painful that they are not within an easy distance. Candice and Crystal are quite honestly two of my best friends in the world. They are so fun to be with and talk to and they're just so easy to like. I feel like they really are sisters to me. I don't necessarily know that the feeling is reciprocated as strongly, but it doesn't really matter since we get along so well! I just know that there are few inhibitions left between us... I don't feel as if I need to keep any of my normal disguise up with them, but that I can freely be myself, no matter how dorky, silly or deadly serious that might be at the time.

It hasn't been too bad up until now. I've made some great friends since being in Missouri. Some wonderful acquaintances, but also some really great friends. Unfortunately, two of the best were also in the year ahead of us. Which means they've just moved as well! I miss Brenda and Melody so much. We were nearing the same level of friendship I have with Candice and Crystal, but there simply wasn't enough time together! I by no means view either relationship as over, but there is something to be said for proximity in developing a friendship. I hope that we have the chance to live near one another again-- at least near enough to reasonably visit!

I have a number of other amazing, dear friends as well:

Eleena, who is in southeast Idaho, was my next-door neighbor growing up and I really do feel like we could be sisters. She makes fun of me, I make fun of her, but at the end of the day I love that girl. I love the feel of fitting in so well with her and her family. She is such an amazing, talented, fun and funny girl. Like me, she tends to shield her more serious side with a humorous front. I think that's why we get along well-- we don't take ourselves or each other too seriously and we call each other on our crap. But we don't miss out on depth, either.

Elisa, who is in southeast Idaho as well, has been my best friend since sixth grade and we went through the most trying times of growing up together. We shared so many things together (including a little bit of skinny-dipping...) and though time and circumstances have changed our relationship, I know I will always have another sister in her. I am so impressed with her strength in the face of such incredible challenges that accompany raising a disabled child. I respect her so much and admire the incredible woman she has become.

Camas, who is in the Big Apple, is my cousin. Because of family feuds, we never really knew each other until we were both attending BYU. We took a cooking class together and have been pretty much best friends ever since. I can whine to her as much as I need, to my heart's content and she'll listen and call my whining what I do: venting. Sometimes I think I live vicariously through some of her amazing experiences, her travels, her work... she is such an amazing girl. I admire her so much and she always finds the time and money to come to wherever I live and visit me... even for just three days.

Natalie, who is in Arizona, was such a great, fun friend in our last year or so of college. We share the same interests in many respects, and I seem to live vicariously through many of her experiences as well; at least, I get a kick out of them. Of course, up until now (she just got engaged) I haven't really envied her dating life, but at the same time I look back and wonder how differently my life might have gone if I'd waited longer to marry. No regrets, just curiosity. She's so fun to talk to, and I love that she calls me all the time whenever she's going somewhere just to chat and update on all the things that are going on in our lives.

Breta, my sister in flesh as well as in spirit is another amazing girl. We really did grow up together, we shared everything (including a bed until I was in high school. High school!) and we fought like cats when we were younger and took care of each other as we grew older. We feel the burden together of keeping our family together, of making sure our siblings are coping well with the divorce. I feel the burden-- but she does something about it. Of course, again proximity (she's in Idaho with our family) has a large role to play in that. But quite honestly, even if I were there I know I couldn't do half the job she's doing. I'm so grateful she has a wonderful husband to support her.

Have you noticed a commonality between all my dearest friends? Yes, that's right. None of them lives closer than twelve hours in driving time from me (I love you, Mel! You're closest!). So here I am, feeling alone in the 'Ville amongst a number of great women in my church and in the SAA. Ironic, I know. I think I've finally really gotten to the point where I'm hating making new friends, only to leave them behind. Acquaintances are much easier to abandon. You love them while they're here and leave them with a hug, sparing a thought for them every so often, but still sustained by your closest friends. When you leave your sisters behind, the relationship always continues, but the continuation almost makes it all the more painful. Much more worth it, but so painful. It's taken me several years to have a good dose of homesickness, I usually adapt quite well to my surroundings. A good thing since we've moved at least eight times since we married five years ago. And now it hits me. And it's hitting hard. I love you all and I miss you so much.

Finally... the Summer Sprites!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

My Favorite Mythical Creatures

Faeries (of course)




Sunday, July 15, 2007

Nadiera, the Blood Elf Hunter and Onyx

Shiny Things I Like

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

There is a Land called Passive Aggressiva, and I am it's Queen.

Here I am, again saddled with a pesky tension headache. Actually, it's more like a knot in the pit of my stomach and an unrelenting need to bury my head in the sand. This headache, however, is not due to an offense received, but one given. It seems I was far too hasty in my judgment and consequent offense regarding our latest faery pictures. I judged hastily and harshly on inaccurate information and was then far too public with my harshness. Thus I find it only fair that I clear the name (though she was not named) of the one offended and just as publicly ask her forgiveness. Again, I think it only fair that if I am to pass a harsh, hasty and unfair judgment on someone, that I am doubly harsh and honest in my judgment of my own actions.

As it turns out, our photographer was not, in fact, uncomfortable with the idea of faery pictures attached to her name because of their "mythical nature", but rather because the faery attire had been called into question. She had heard that our costumes might be rather risque, or at least more immodest than she was comfortable with. However, good friend that she was, she chose not to pass judgment on our costume choices, but to go ahead and provide us with her talents and services nonetheless. In all fairness, she was more than justified in having reservations concerning the appropriateness of the costumes. It is unfortunate that she didn't bring that up to me personally and find out what we intended to wear (which, correct me if I'm wrong, but I still find our costumes to be less than slutty. I don't know where she stands having seen the costumes, but that is beside the point.), but my responsibility as a good friend was to confront her personally and tactfully and discuss with her, before the fact, what potential issues there might have been.

In fact, there are many things I could have and should have done (or not done). I can picture my husband's "I-told-you-so" face right now, and he's absolutely right. Since I heard the alleged mockeries through the grapevine, I did not indeed know what I was being mocked for; or even if I was really being mocked. I made my assumptions based on the past and drew the worst conclusions. I took offense where none was meant and made myself out for the fool that I am. I did not go to the potentially offending person and ask for an explanation and deal with it in the appropriate way. Even as I sit here, I cast my mind about looking for someone or something else to pin blame on: my parents for my poor social skills; other friends for their lack of confrontational skills; my parents' divorce; I even considered the fact that my husband is gone and I'm not in my right mind... until I realized that at the time of the post he was here, advising me to talk to my (dare I still call her this?) friend.

But really it comes down to two pivotal points in which I made poor decisions: the first was in failing to confront my friend and deal with the small problem at its head. The second was in airing my grievances in a public blog and basing them on inaccurate information. So now, instead of a bright and shiny blog based on the bright and shiny faery side of me, I have at my hands a dark and twisty blog, focused on such an ugly thing that started out so insignificantly, and that has damaged at least one (and possibly more) relationships. I hope not irreparably, but I have no reason to expect her to forgive me. With what I now know, I instead hold my friend in higher regard and have more respect for her: not only did she refrain from passing judgment on me to begin with, but she also was not the coward that I was when it came to honest confrontation. I don't expect to regain her friendship or her respect any time soon. I hope that she can forgive me my indiscretion and that in some small way this post among other things can redress the wrongs I did her.

Meanwhile... does anyone know a good therapist? It seems I need a better place to air my dark and twisty nature. (And yes... allusions to Grey's Anatomy are rampant in this post. It worked for it.)

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Slideshow ... Oops...

So I decided to change my slideshow slightly for the sidebar. I intended to leave the blogged one in color, but hadn't banked on the fact that the embedded slideshow is not the pictures themselves, but the link of the slideshow on This means that both are changed in the same ways. Convenient, yes? Except when I don't want that change on both!

So... I'm asking my reader(s?): should I keep it as is, or should I maybe switch the format/theme of Winter and Spring slideshows? It seems that would keep it closer to the style and match the time of year better. So unless I hear differently, I think I'll switch it. But I want feedback first. Please?

Faery Muse. Ings.

So I was rereading my last post written in frustration. I noticed a couple inconsistencies: in frustration and anger I decided to
"guard even more closely the exuberant personality that I have."

Immediately after saying that, I wrote
"I guarded my personality for the first 18 years of my life. I'm done with that."

Ok, honestly I really wasn't thinking straight here. That just doesn't make sense. Hence my emergence from my self-imposed exile.

So, I figure I'll do a little edit here, as well. This time, I'm going to try to think it through a little better:

"If people can't handle it, if it's too embarrassing for them, if I make myself the butt of secret jokes and behind-my-back judgments, then that part of me will be shut up from the casual observer."

This gets to be changed to:
"If people can't handle it, if it's too embarrassing for them, if I make myself the butt of secret jokes and behind-my-back judgments-- well, that's just their problem, not mine. This is where I once again learn to employ a handy little method that saves me a lot of tension headaches from stupid offenses that were most likely unintentional anyhow. Essentially, if I don't hear it myself, it hasn't been said. Now I don't have to deal with their indiscretions and faulty judgments, I don't have to try and give them the "benefit of the doubt". Instead, I get to continue on my Blissful Little Faery Path through the Woods of Ignorance and get to bury my head in the bushes looking for the things I really care about. Faeries. And other things. Like berries."

Aside: You know what sounds amazing right now? Huckleberries. For those of you poor fools who've never had a huckleberry, get on the next plane to Pocatello, ID, head out to Soda Springs and hunt down a good huckleberry patch. Don't ask the locals. They'll probably send you on a wild goose chase to keep you away from their Special Huckleberry Patch. If nothing else, find a place somewhere in southeastern Idaho that serves a huckleberry milkshake. You'll never be the same. End of Aside.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The Spring Faery Goddesses

Saturday, June 2, 2007

The World Has Been Renewed...

...thanks to the hard work of Zindia and Sylphe. We were able to successfully banish Winter and Death and replace both with Spring and Life. A full photo documentation is up and coming...

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Fall Faeries: Maerilille

Friday, May 11, 2007


We were supposed to do pictures today. We didn't. It turned out our photographer didn't want to sully her good name with such a shameful, embarrassing venture.

We did yoga pictures instead. A nice, healthy, normal session. I should be grateful that she was ready to do it. I should. But instead I feel soured and slightly embittered. I'm trying to get over it, but what it comes down to, is I'm insulted. I'm proud of my pictures. I think they're artsy and cool and I think I look hot. There. I said it. It's a vanity thing, okay?

But sadly, half of our small group of four was too embarrassed about the humiliating experience known in my world as the faery foray. I guess that being said, I should be grateful they backed out before we got dressed up and were in the woods. I just wish that my photographer had turned me down instead of patronizing me. If she has that huge of a reservation about it (she was worried about being googled and coming up with my pictures), I wish she had said, "No, I don't think that's my cup of tea." Or "No, I'm not artsy enough to appreciate that kind of creativity." Or "No, thanks."

All this has accomplished is a desire in me to guard even more closely the exuberant personality that I have. This is a part of me that I, personally, enjoy and cherish and I'm not about to "cast pearls before swine" to use an exaggerated metaphor. I guarded my personality for the first 18 years of my life. I'm done with that. If people can't handle it, if it's too embarrassing for them, if I make myself the butt of secret jokes and behind-my-back judgments, then that part of me will be shut up from the casual observer.

And you know, another thing. I can take a hard time to my face. I know faery pictures are weird. I know this is not a normal hobby. I know it's nerdy. I'm okay with that. I've come to terms with it and I enjoy doing it anyway. I've stood against criticism for as long as I've been doing this. But at least have the balls to mock me to my face. I can take that in good spirits a lot better than hearing through the grapevine how embarrassed everyone is for me. Nothing will put my back up faster.

Anyway, I just had to vent a little bit. It's been eating at me all day and I have a nasty tension headache over it. This is the post that closes the vault to the few who can see and appreciate this for what it is: a grown woman's last few chances to embrace the youth and beauty that is entirely too fleeting. In a word: I just like to play dress-up & pretend!

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Sylphe the Spring Faery

Yeah, I know, I know. Sylphe is really the what an air spirit is called. There's a whole ballet (two, actually) about it. But that is indeed my chosen name for my spring faery. I can be called nothing else.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Ilyena Svetlana

What else could I be called in the winter?

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Check out my Slide Show!

Monday, April 9, 2007

Glorious Warmth of Spring... Stop with the teasing!

I must admit I'm struggling a bit with this blog. While it is dedicated to the faery side of me, I must deem it a blog open to all of me and not just concentrated on that. There is so much more to me than just the fantastical. I simply want to have the freedom to demonstrate my personality in its entirety.


That being said, I'll update you with the newest plans for our upcoming Faery Outing. I have Faery Representation from three out of the four Seasons. Spring is the one yet unrepresented-- hence, I, along with my dear Faery Friends (new candidates for Faery Goddess positions) will shortly (meaning sometime this month) display our True Natures in Nature (HA. I'm so sly. That was a good one.), becoming the Embodiment of Spring as best we can interpret Spring Herself and our Own Selves.

Now, ideally, we would have taken them a couple weeks ago, when Spring hit her brilliant peak at 78 glorious degrees Farenheit. Unfortunately for us, Spring seems to be having to fight Winter to retain her place this Year. The days have since turned Bitter with Cold instead of the Sweet Warmth we've all been eagerly anticipating to embrace the World. Initially this simply meant we would endure the Cold for the sake of the pictures. However, since the unfortunate Frost this past weekend, all the Flowers have now frozen and we lack the background of renewed Life that would be so appropo. No, the renewed Life has been cruelly destroyed by Harsh Winter.And so we await Winter's inevitable Defeat. But when, I implore you, will this most Desired Event occur? We've got a wonderful Photographer who has kindly agreed to take our Photos. We have the Essence of our Costumes assembled. We have yet to truly Embrace and Discover our individual Faery Characters. Perhaps Spring is waiting on us?

I'll get right to work.

Saturday, March 24, 2007


I recently did a personality test called "The Cube". It was a very right-brained test and very symbolic. I love personality tests, and this one ranks high in my book. It involves 6 questions in which you describe 6 different things. The first is a desert.

In my mind's eye, I see this desert. The sand is a gorgeous red and has little ripples in it from the wind. It also has a couple large rolling dunes, peaked at the top with a little sand spraying over the peak from the wind. The sky is a brilliant, shocking blue and completely cloudless. There is no life for miles around, except small plants here and there. I'm vaguely aware of small desert creatures hiding in the shade of these plants, but I can't really see them and they are not important. I'm also vaguely aware of some blue, snow-capped mountains, far, far in the distance kind of off to my left. The sky is a darker, more dangerous blue over there and I can see flashes of lightning. But since it is so far away, it is not important either. There are shimmering heat waves that I can see on the horizon and I periodically see mirages ahead of me.
The sun is scorching hot, the sand burning my feet. At night, it is freezing cold. Even though the sand is hot, I love the feel of it on my feet. Sometimes I feel like I'm only looking at the desert, though, not actually in it.

The focus for this blog is the mirage. By interpretation, this means two things for me. The first is that my trust has been betrayed at some point in my life by someone and so I no longer trust, or at least I am wary of trusting easily. This is very true for me. I can think of a few applications for this, but these are still not the focus of my blog. The second interpretation is the main point I'm trying to make. Seeing mirages in your desert means that you are intrigued by fantasy, by mythical and magical elements. Which I very much am. I love the idea of the ethereal. I love imagining that there are magical, sparkling, shimmering things in this world that you think you see out of the corner of your eye--- then you turn your head only to be disappointed. I love imagining that one of these times, I'm going to discover that all these mythical creatures are actually real. And I think I know why I like this. These creatures live for joy. They seem to be always happy, always mischeivous. They seem to be passionate, beautiful and exciting. I long to know that there are beings out there who live this way every day! It's such an enchanting thought!

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Impish, The Mythical and The Ethereal

I have a theory. I may be crazy. But here's what I think (or rather just kind of hope without a lot of gravity attached to the hope). I personally think that somehow, somewhere, there really do exist these fairy tale creatures. You know the ones. Mermaids, faeries, imps, centaurs, satyrs, giants, dragons--- all of them. I think they exist. I don't know how close we really are in the descriptions we give them, or if the pictures and ideas we have of them are accurate.

But think about it. There are SO many stories out there with various mythical creatures in them that I think there's got to be some basis for them. I think most legends and stories have roots in truth. Either way, I don't care what anyone says. I'm going to go on hoping that these enchanting creatures exist until I'm told unequivocally that they do not. Whether C. S. Lewis got it right and there is somehow other worlds in which these creatures reside, or they are somehow hidden in a version of Tolkein's Middle Earth, I want to believe in these charming beings in the same ways that they are portrayed in some of my favorite fantasy novels (mostly just the Chronicles of Narnia).

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Under Construction

Don't you hate that?