There is a Land called Passive Aggressiva, and I am it's Queen.

Here I am, again saddled with a pesky tension headache. Actually, it's more like a knot in the pit of my stomach and an unrelenting need to bury my head in the sand. This headache, however, is not due to an offense received, but one given. It seems I was far too hasty in my judgment and consequent offense regarding our latest faery pictures. I judged hastily and harshly on inaccurate information and was then far too public with my harshness. Thus I find it only fair that I clear the name (though she was not named) of the one offended and just as publicly ask her forgiveness. Again, I think it only fair that if I am to pass a harsh, hasty and unfair judgment on someone, that I am doubly harsh and honest in my judgment of my own actions.

As it turns out, our photographer was not, in fact, uncomfortable with the idea of faery pictures attached to her name because of their "mythical nature", but rather because the faery attire had been called into question. She had heard that our costumes might be rather risque, or at least more immodest than she was comfortable with. However, good friend that she was, she chose not to pass judgment on our costume choices, but to go ahead and provide us with her talents and services nonetheless. In all fairness, she was more than justified in having reservations concerning the appropriateness of the costumes. It is unfortunate that she didn't bring that up to me personally and find out what we intended to wear (which, correct me if I'm wrong, but I still find our costumes to be less than slutty. I don't know where she stands having seen the costumes, but that is beside the point.), but my responsibility as a good friend was to confront her personally and tactfully and discuss with her, before the fact, what potential issues there might have been.

In fact, there are many things I could have and should have done (or not done). I can picture my husband's "I-told-you-so" face right now, and he's absolutely right. Since I heard the alleged mockeries through the grapevine, I did not indeed know what I was being mocked for; or even if I was really being mocked. I made my assumptions based on the past and drew the worst conclusions. I took offense where none was meant and made myself out for the fool that I am. I did not go to the potentially offending person and ask for an explanation and deal with it in the appropriate way. Even as I sit here, I cast my mind about looking for someone or something else to pin blame on: my parents for my poor social skills; other friends for their lack of confrontational skills; my parents' divorce; I even considered the fact that my husband is gone and I'm not in my right mind... until I realized that at the time of the post he was here, advising me to talk to my (dare I still call her this?) friend.

But really it comes down to two pivotal points in which I made poor decisions: the first was in failing to confront my friend and deal with the small problem at its head. The second was in airing my grievances in a public blog and basing them on inaccurate information. So now, instead of a bright and shiny blog based on the bright and shiny faery side of me, I have at my hands a dark and twisty blog, focused on such an ugly thing that started out so insignificantly, and that has damaged at least one (and possibly more) relationships. I hope not irreparably, but I have no reason to expect her to forgive me. With what I now know, I instead hold my friend in higher regard and have more respect for her: not only did she refrain from passing judgment on me to begin with, but she also was not the coward that I was when it came to honest confrontation. I don't expect to regain her friendship or her respect any time soon. I hope that she can forgive me my indiscretion and that in some small way this post among other things can redress the wrongs I did her.

Meanwhile... does anyone know a good therapist? It seems I need a better place to air my dark and twisty nature. (And yes... allusions to Grey's Anatomy are rampant in this post. It worked for it.)